“And behold, you were within me, and I was outside of you, and there I sought you; you were with me, and I was not with you.” — St. Augustine.
I remember the restlessness, the feeling of being lost, the constant search for something to give my life meaning and peace.
“…your path was before me, and I could not see it; the eyes of my heart were blinded by my darkness, I was alone and starved for love…” (Myself)
When I was 24, my parents decided to separate after 25 years of marriage. Of our family’s three children, I was the eldest. As a young woman, I was torn between relief and guilt. Relief because I could no longer bear my parents’ tension and conflict. My heart was shattered; I would later understand that something had broken that day that could never be fixed. I had lost “my family.” Our family relationships were strained and distrust reigned among us.
My guilt came from the decision to push my father away and be with my mother and siblings. Burdened by this loss and guilt, my life had become a boat tossed about in a stormy sea, taking on water and destined to sink. There was darkness all around me, and I searched for something to guide me and give my life meaning and peace.
The year 2005 was a breaking point. I realized that the dependable eldest daughter I thought I was, couldn’t manage all this alone. Doctors and antidepressant medicines weren’t making me happy. I felt powerless and thought that only a miracle could help me. At that moment, a small window appeared in my wall of despair. I remembered Jesus — the Jesus I had relegated to Sundays. I needed him. I needed him to enter my troubled boat.
This was my last hope. And one day, I decided to return to him. It was during Mass, when I finally surrendered. I cried out in my despair and pain. To my great surprise, Jesus answered my cry. There he was, with me in the tiny lifeboat, calming the storm, steering me to safety. In that moment, the presence of the Holy Spirit was so intense that I felt like I was being washed over by a wave of love. I couldn’t understand anything. I just cried with joy.
From that moment, everything changed. My eyes were opened to what truly mattered. I understood my mistakes and what I needed to change. Most importantly, I had the strength to do it. Again the words of St. Augustine rang out for me:“ For you have made us for yourself, O God, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”
Thanks to the testimony of friends and family who were part of the Koinonia John the Baptist, I joined various meetings, each one a step on my journey of faith. In a year and a half, the Lord worked many miracles and changes in my life and in the lives of my family.
Jesus had taken our “broken pieces” and was creating something new. The light that had entered me was shining out to those around me.
During Holy Week of 2007, I heard the Lord calling me to follow him on the path of virginity. After a few months, during a Philip Retreat, the Holy Spirit sealed my heart with his mercy, and I decided to leave my family to embrace a new one, the Koinonia.
My old anxieties gone, Jesus had placed a holy restlessness within me, a desire for him, to be with him, to know him, to speak to him. My heart had been transformed. It was full of new desires. My life was now devoted to living in friendship with my brothers and sisters, traveling, meeting new people and cultures, and dedicating myself to those in need.
Here in Bridgeport, in the local Church, I have found men and women rooted in faith and service to the poor and the sick, each day welcoming them to safety and sharing with them the bread that gives new life,
After 17 years of consecrated life in Koinonia, I am amazed at how Jesus fulfilled my dreams and gave me a completely new life. I was lost at sea, but now I am a sturdy vessel, confident of its course and strength to face any storm. My heart has room now to take on the mission of rescue for the shipwrecked of our world, to ferry them to the safe harbor of Jesus Christ.
Welcoming others is a holy calling. We all need to be welcomed with an open heart and without judgment. I thank the Lord for healing my scars, making them supple and strong. He has not removed or covered them, and it is precisely these scars that have allowed my “small heart” to expand. Now, my embrace is wider and my compassion deeper. Every day I can draw from the treasure of my experiences old and new, and find gifts to give to those around me. Truly, it is a miracle in my life.
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(Letizia Girelli is a member of the community of Koinonia John the Baptist, which meets at Our Lady of Good Counsel Chapel at 163 Ortega Avenue. It began two years ago with the approval of Bishop Frank J. Caggiano and has been called “an oasis of Bridgeport.” For information, visit (www.ourladyofgoodcounselchapel.org)
