Recently was asked to “say a few words” at my niece’s wedding, which is good because when I’m asked to speak, I prefer to say as few words as possible.
Talking about marriage can be a dicey undertaking, unless you’re like the great comedian, Henny Youngman, whose trademark one-liner was “The secret of a happy marriage … remains a secret.” He was also known for his famous joke: “Take my wife … please.”
But marriage isn’t a joke, although in our era it’s not taken seriously enough.
When I met the young couple, I told them, “I can tell a few humorous stories, if you let me know a little about yourselves.”
Then, in a serious tone, I added. “Let’s be clear about one thing….” (Cue: Tense silence and anxious glances.) “I’m going to mention God.”
They relaxed. “God is good,” I told them and they nodded agreement.
Sad to say, I’ve been to marriages where God wasn’t mentioned at all, although there were Aztec incantations, Hindu prayers, e.e. Cummings’ poems, and all sorts of mumbo jumbo.
You see, many young people inhabit a world far removed from faith formation classes and young adult ministries, which means they don’t talk about God and don’t really know much about him—especially as far as marriage is concerned.
They may have learned about Jesus in their early years, but then secular society swallowed them whole like that whale in the Book of Jonah.
But you can’t keep a good God down. Jesus is always looking for ways to creep in the door, even if it’s only open a crack. He can be persistent, really persistent, until he gets what he wants, and thank goodness—or thank God—he often does.
So the kids were OK with God. Once I realized they weren’t panicking, I pushed the envelope a little further and said, “You know, marriage is a sacrament.” They nodded, even though a priest wouldn’t be marrying them. “And you know, you’re making a vow to be faithful for life?” They nodded again. “And you know (now I was really going for the gold) if you want your marriage to last, you have to pray for each other.” Silence. OK, maybe I pushed a little too far, but I planned to return to that topic in my 10-minute monologue.
I also wanted to include a small portion of the “Exhortation Before Marriage,” which was read at Catholic weddings before Vatican II.
It says in part: “This union is most serious, because it will bind you together for life in a relationship so close and so intimate, that it will profoundly influence your whole future. That future, with its hopes and disappointments, its successes and its failures, its pleasures and its pains, its joys and its sorrows, is hidden from your eyes. You know these elements are mingled in every life and are to be expected in your own. So not knowing what is before you, you take each other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death … And whatever sacrifices you may hereafter be required to make to preserve this mutual life, always make them generously. Sacrifice is usually difficult and irksome. Only love can make it easy, and perfect love can make it a joy. We are willing to give in proportion to our love. And when love is perfect, the sacrifice is complete.”
That just about says it all when it comes to advice for a lasting marriage.
Pope Francis often said the three most important words in married life are “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” My friend Judy believes a sense of humor is necessary, especially as you get older and life gets harder. She and her husband Ben recently celebrated their 58th anniversary, so she must know what she’s talking about.
For his part, Henny Youngman had this to say: “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Despite his jokes, he took marriage seriously, and his wife Sadie, who was often the butt of his comedy, attended his performances. In her final years, she suffered a debilitating illness but was afraid of hospitals, so Youngman had her bedroom turned into an intensive care unit.
When she died in 1987, they were married almost 60 years. The comedian was so devastated he told a reporter, “This is the first time I ever said, ‘Don’t take my wife’ … and they took her anyway.”
